It’s that wonderful time of the year again, for wrestling fans all over the world. It’s the weekend where the biggest and greatest wrestling card is put together for the 70,000-plus in attendance, and this year… yeah, no, it’s not really feeling all that exciting. Dumb catchphrases and set designs only go so far, and if the card sucks, there’s nothing that can be done about it. Regardless, I’ll still watch the event, because I’m insane and I can’t stop myself from the torture. And so, I’ll give my predictions for all, uh… jeezus, THIRTEEN matches? There IS such thing as too much, WWE. Let’s get this show on the road.
(Terminology: World titles = SmackDown titles; WWE titles = Raw titles)
Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries, WWE Crusierweight Championship
WHY is this a frigging PRE-SHOW MATCH??? Even worse, it’ll more than likely be before 6pm, with barely anyone inside to watch and enjoy it. I give it 8 minutes, Double-A will win the belt, and nary a person in the stadium will care. These two deserve SO MUCH BETTER, but hey, gotta give flipping PITBULL 10 minutes to dance around and “sing,” right?
Prediction: Austin Aries def. Neville, 8-9 minutes
Andre the Giant Battle Royal
Braun. It’s gotta be Braun. It HAS to be Braun. Who else could possibly win it? It would make zero sense for anyone else to win it.
Prediction: Braun Strowman
Undercard Matches – SmackDown
Alexa Bliss (c) vs. [ALL], World Women’s Championship
It would make sense for Naomi to win the belt in Orlando, which does beg the question… why not just have the title vacant and give everyone a fair chance to win it? Eh. But I’m sure we’re all expecting Eva Marie to return and win… which is why I’m NOT going with that as my prediction. Instead… wild card option.
Prediction: Mickie James wins, 11 minutes
Dean Ambrose (c) vs. Baron Corbin, Intercontinental Championship
Honestly, Corbin needs this more than Ambrose. Beneath that “silent wolf” demeanor, there is a top talent that can not only work, but also talk. Corbin has certainly improved over the past year, and his time spent on Talking Smack has shown everyone his promo skills, when not hindered by crap scripts. Start the push here.
Prediction: Baron Corbin def. Dean Ambrose, 10 minutes
John Cena & Nikki Bella vs. The Miz and Maryse
I’ll admit, I’ve enjoyed the build to this feud in an ironic sense. It’s real bad, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve more than enjoyed this incarnation of Miz, post-2016 brand split. Again, his work on Talking Smack adds points. Anyway, we all know how this will go down. And hopefully, it’ll be short.
Prediction: Cena/Bella def. Mr. and Mrs. Mizanin, 7-8 minutes
Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles
Again, it’s a feud I can enjoy ironically. It’s bad, but at least it’ll be a fun trainwreck to watch. Let’s just hope Shane’s now-annual stunt won’t be ridiculously stupid, given the set they’re building for the show. But if AJ loses, I really don’t know what there is to be gained from it.
Prediction: Styles def. Shane-O-Mac, 17 min.
Undercard Matches – Raw
Bullet Club (Gallows & Anderson) (c) vs. Sheamus/Cesaro vs. Enzo/Cass, WWE Tag Team Championship Ladder Match
If this were a perfect world, Broken Matt Hardy and Brother Nero would show up and win this match. But I’ll err on the side of caution and go for the team that’s long overdue… but I reserve the right to change my prediction, should the Broken Ones arrive.
Prediction: Enzo/Cass* win, 15 minutes
* – Alternate: Matt and Jeff Hardy
Bayley (c) vs. Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte vs. Nia Jax, WWE Women’s Championship Elimination Match
As much as I want to see Bayley retain, I have a feeling I know what they’re gonna do. Remember, Raw is all about “moments,” so why not shock everyone? And the way I see it, they’ll do it in one of two ways: they’ll have Nia eliminated first, or have Nia win it all. And I think they’ll do the latter of the two, but I HOPE I’m wrong.
Prediction: Nia Jax wins, 16 minutes
Chris Jericho (c) vs. Kevin Owens, United States Championship
Makes zero sense for Y2J to keep the belt while on tour with Fozzy, so have KO win back the belt, get some more heat, and a rub, all at once.
Prediction: Owens def. Jericho, 16 minutes
Main Event Matches
Triple H vs. Seth Rollins
Who the hell knows how this is going to go down. But there’s only one reasonable outcome to this match.
Prediction: Rollins def. HHH, 14 minutes
Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker
I’ll say it one more time: this match is a BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD idea. There’s no rub to be had, nothing to be gained by either guy, and the only way this can be redeemed is if Roman goes full-on heel at the end, which PFFT won’t happen. The build sucked especially hard, since, you know, it’s all about making Roman look, uh… STRONG. So screw Undertaker, apparently, he’s not important to this build. Be ready to hear 70,000-plus boo Roman out of Florida.
Prediction: Reigns def. Undertaker, 14 minutes
Bray Wyatt (c) vs. Randy Orton, WWE World Championship
There’s still money to be made with Wyatt. Putting the belt on Orton, at this point, would be definite short-term booking, so I say keep the belt on Wyatt, at least until Money in the Bank in a few months.
Prediction: Wyatt def. Orton, 18 minutes
Goldberg (c) vs. Brock Lesnar, Universal Championship
Who’s ready for a 60-second main event to a WrestleMania? There’s no way this goes any longer than 2, maybe 3 minutes. And this is going on last, supposedly. MOMENTS.
Prediction: Lesnar def. Goldberg, 85 seconds