12/30 – Crunchyroll Randomizer: A Dark Rabbit has Seven Lives

Well, this is going to be a thing I’m going to do, every once in a while. With so many anime options to choose from, why waste time trying to decide what to watch when I can have Crunchyroll do it for me? For those who don’t know, they have a “random button,” which loads up the first episode of a completely random show for users to watch. I’ve always wanted to go and give this a try, so what better time to try this out than the present, right? So every now and then, I’ll hit the random button and give my genuine, as-they-happen thoughts on whatever first episode is loaded up, and if I like it enough, I’ll watch the rest of it later.

And so, the first show to be selected at random is…

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A Dark Rabbit has Seven Lives. A 12-episode light novel adaptation from 2011. What does the synopsis have to say about it…

Freshman Kurogane Taito was always an ordinary, regular guy, except for a promise made to the beautiful vampire, Saitohimea nine years ago.

Well. That tells me absolutely nothing about it.

So the episode starts out with this loli vampire(?) girl biting on this shota guy’s shoulder and injecting him with “poison,” which forms a life bond between the two, and then they tell each other “I love you,” which causes something to happen to him? Can’t fault it for trying to be an interesting opening moment, I guess. And then we skip forward to our main guy character, Taito, asleep in his homeroom class before being woken up by a classmate. This girl, Haruka, reaches up to wipe some droll off his lips (because that’s a thing friends do?), and let it be stated, that only 3 minutes in, we get the first panty shot of this series.

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This is gonna be one of those shows, isn’t it?

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And of course, people start thinking that they’re an item, because reasons. You know, I actually like Taito’s character model, his hair reminds me a lot of Bakura. But everyone else, so far, is just the usual generic light-novel-anime background character; uninspired and very stock. Anyway, Taito and this girl walk through the halls of their school and Taito tells Haruka about his dream, some romance novel crap happens because “uh-oh, I’m so embarrassed that you’d say that,” and it’s just… ughhh. Not my cup of tea.

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And then we cut to this scene, with some conveniently placed ass-fog censorship. These girls are fawning over this guy named Gekkou, who simply calls them trash and walks through them, all of whom practically faint because “He’s so cool!!!” – why do people act like this? Or write such terrible characters? And then Taito completely breaks the fourth wall and starts speaking in exposition about this other guy, who has a Taiga Aisaka expy walking with him. Hmm. Then he and Haruka just talk about… I don’t even know, being mediocre? I guess. And finally, this whole sequence ends with the two leaving school for the day.

This is just soooooooo gripping, man.

3o seconds of backstory is given to Taito, how he was a karate star in his youth before breaking his leg, and meeting Haruka, and… ugh, I DON’T CARE. JUST DO SOMETHING, IT’S BEEN 10 MINUTES.

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Well… uhh… okay, this girl wants Gekkou to kiss her, and she’s hanging her ass out because… because plot, okay? A… demon? I guess, shows up from the other side of that portal, and the guy just stabs it with one blow, and that’s the end of that… what is even happening in this show? The scene ends with the girl heading off, and this dude reading something that has to do with him, somehow…

But finally, 12 minutes in, something happens in this show. As fate would have it, this girl and Taito meet eyes at a crosswalk, but he sees a runaway truck speeding down the road, so he pushes her away and takes the hit – and it DECAPITATES HIM. I’d be more in shock by this if I wasn’t laughing at how ridiculous it all was!

But then we go back to weird moments with characters not worth giving two shits about, with this loli girl who’s… floating in a box, somehow… calling out for Taito. Oh, and she’s naked and getting electrocuted, because fuck you.

And then things get weird… oh, I’m sorry, weirder. Taito’s somehow still alive, despite… you know, being decapitated, and he still has free control of his body. And he has regenerative healing powers. Because of course he does. Then he pulls a John Dorian and says “Body, come!” and his body takes the head and runs off; leave it to anime to make Floating Head Doctor a reality.

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And then we cut back to this girl, who’s been freed from her box and says something about a “900-second spell” and the rest of her power returning and I just don’t care anymore. WHO EVEN ARE YOU??? Okay, okay, it turns out that Taito is able to hear this girl speak (obviously), and figures out who this girl is – some girl named “Saitohimea,” who just so happened to be the girl that did that whole poison thing when he was a kid. Also, this girl has a body of a 6-year-old, and is completely without clothing… GEE. NO WONDER NOBODY LICENSED THIS SHOW STATESIDE. But fear not, for she pulls a Kissshot/Shinobu and changes her body to that of a teenage girl… only minus the eating of limbs and whatnot.

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Gee. What a completely normal and not insane thing to say.

And as the credits roll, we see Taito run to find Himea, in what has to be purposely sped up footage. I’m not even kidding, it’s running in double time and it’s so obvious that it’s sped up. Anyway, at a nearby playground (weird location, but whatever), the two finally meet once again. It’s honestly a pretty touching moment, made even better when the girl gets stabbed in the chest by, you guessed it, Gekkou. And it’s framed in such a stupid way, it’s trying so hard to be serious and dramatic that it’s actually pretty hilarious. That’s what I want more of – out of nowhere moments of murder and death, and less boring character moments.

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Well, save for a few moments of unintentional comedy, this was a boring first episode for what looks to be a pretty stock anime. Nothing super spectacular, the characters aren’t very interesting and they’re barely fleshed out, but the moments where it’s trying to create shock and tension and drama turn out to be the best – and funniest – moments of them all. I don’t recommend this show in the slightest, but I may just keep watching this show to see how dumb it is.

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